Random Funny Business
by Lestat Lebrat
Summary: Really bored with a whole load of writers block. enjoy it gets funnier.
1. Chapter 1

**Completely Random things about me and my muse Louis:**

1. I spend multiple hours each day reading and writing.

2. My friends are insane, but hey so am I.

3. I have frequently asked really stupid and obvious questions.

4. There are times when I want to annoy people just for the heck of it.

5. I LOVE chocolate chip cookies!

6. I have frequently walked into things that could have easily been avoided.

7. I have had random laughing fits for no apparent reason.

8. I have pushed a door that said PULL and vice versa.

9. I have frequently tripped over nothing.

10. I read books that no one has ever heard of.

11. I have a hatred of Twilight.

12. I am also obsessed with vampires and would love to be one.

13. I have stayed up past 2am reading one of those books that no one has ever heard of.

14. I have actually tripped over a WATCH YOUR STEP sign.

15. I love classical music and opera.

16. I LOVE pretzels!

17. I have frequently burst into song for no apparent reason.

18. I am crazy and proud of it!

19. I am in lala land most of the time.

20. Almost all inanimate objects hate me.

21. I think the semi-colon is completely useless, stupid, annoying, and is plotting to destroy the English language as we know it.

22. I think rock paper scissors solves everything.

23. I sometimes argue with myself, even though I know I shall never win.

24. I am random and proud of it!

25. I have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with my computer.

26. I have frequently burst out laughing in a dead silent room.

27. I adore chocolate and frequently suffer from cravings while I have no access to the heavenly substance.

28. You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.

29. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

30. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

31. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

32. I smile because I have no idea what's going on.

33. Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down stairs.

34. I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"- a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

35.I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

36. I think iPods are gifts from the gods.

37. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through using a suitable application of high explosives to blow up your Algebra book.

38. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

39. I live in my own little world- it's okay, they know me there.

40. I did the Macarana with a ninja because the voices told me to.

41. I am the kind of person who walks into a door or a wall, and then apologizes to it.

42. I hear voices in my head, and no I'm not crazy. I'm just special.

43. I believe that there is nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and you LOSE that it's weird. But everytime I argue with myself I lose! Am I weird? Yes.

44. I know for a fact that obedient women never make history.

45. The voices in my head may not be real, but they still have pretty good ideas.

46. My definition of consiousness: the annoying thing between naps.

47. Some advice from me: Before you critisize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

48. I'm not bossy. I just have better ideas.

49. People think I am mentally insane. They might just be right.

50. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. I am scared now more than ever of the dentist's office.

51. I easily finish one 800 000 page novel a day.

52. I LOVE rain!

53. I walk around shouting random quotes.

54. I am a person who acts friendly, but I have an evil mind, and am secretly plotting world domination.

55. I have frequently yelled at an inanimate object for not listening to me.

56. I am a klutz, and damn proud of it!

57. I have music in my soul!

58. My favorite word is sarcasm.

59. I'd rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who I am not.

60. Note to self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

61. I ran with scissors, and lived! I felt dangerous :D :D :D!

62. I hear voices, and they don't like you.

63. My imaginary friends think you have serious problems.

64. Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. I am one of the few that would say: "Where to begin?"

65. I have am a witty fool…thank God I have no foolish wit!

66. The world is a messed up place but to tell you the truth…I like it that way.

**My favorite quotes:**

**1. **"Riding: The art of keeping the horse between you and the ground."

**2. **"Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!"

**3. **"There are three reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day."

**4. **"Wal-Mart, do they like sell walls there?" **- Paris Hilton**

**5. **"All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative."

**6. **"When angry: count to ten, When very angry: swear."

**7. **"Everything here is edible. I am edible, but that my children are is cannibalism, and is frowned upon in most societies."

**8. **"I reject your reality and substitute my own."

**9. **"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe."

**10.** "If at first you don't succeed, try walking **around** the brick wall."

**11.** "I'm not clumsy…the floor just hates me."

**12.** "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."

**13. **"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

**14. **"Don't sniff coke, the ice cubes will get stuck up your nose."

**15. **"I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."

**16. **"I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference."

**17. **"If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?"

**18. **"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."

**19. **"It is when we allow others to think for us that the whole world suffers

**20. **Friends are God's apology for relatives

**21. **If Tylenol, duct tape, and a band aid don't help…you gotta serious problem

**22. **The bravest person isn't the one who fears nothing but is the one who is willing to face what they fear.

**23.** Love is giving someone the power to destroy you and trusting them that they don't.

**24. **The hardest battle you'll ever fight is the battle to just be you.

**25. **If the majority of the population is weird wouldn't weird be normal?


	2. Chapter 2

**Do it one at a time**

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex:

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?:

3. Your first initial?:

4. Your month of birth?:

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?:

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours:

7. Your favorite number?:

8. Do you like California or Florida more?:

9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more?:

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).:

Are you done?

If so, scroll down

(Don't cheat-)

**THE ANSWERS**

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose:

Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.

Black: You are conservative and aggressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

Blue: You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you

love.

Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are

down.

3. If your initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is soon to

blossom.

S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in:

Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you

fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but

the memories will last forever.

July-Sept.: You will have a great year and will experience a major life

changing experience for the good.

Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your

soulmate.

5. If you choose...

Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time

but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do

anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.

8. If you choose...  
California: You like adventure.  
Florida: You are a laidback person.

9. If you choose...  
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved.  
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday.


	3. Chapter 3

**Why America has some issues **

**1. Only in  
America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an  
ambulance.**

**2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places  
in front of a skating rink.**

**3. Only in America...do drugstores  
make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their  
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the  
front.**

**4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers,  
large fries, and a diet coke.**

**5. Only in America...do banks leave  
both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.**

**6. Only in  
America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway  
and put  
our useless junk in the garage.**

**7. Only in America...do we use  
answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't  
miss a  
call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.**

**8.  
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in  
packages  
of eight.**

**9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to  
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'  
meaning  
'bloodsucking creatures'**

**.  
10. Only in America...do they have  
drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.**

**In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual labels on consumer goods:**

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.  
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.  
(The shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."  
(And that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."  
(But, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."  
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."  
(...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."  
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."  
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."  
(And.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."  
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."  
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."  
(Talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."  
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."  
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."  
(...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

**15 THINGS TO DO AT WALL-MART:**

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go"


End file.
